This weekend, Man-child went camping with his scout troop. Hallelujah!!! We needed a break from each other. I made a list of all the things I wanted to do - movie, visit some friends, very LONG Bubble bath, sleep late, take a nap and go shopping. YEAH!!!! Needless to say, I didn't do any of them. I took the time to clean Man-child's room.
Mind you, before he left, he said he cleaned it. I've learned from past experience that my son is very creative in cleaning (remember the multiple sets of sheets on his bed) . I got all of my cleaning supplies and I was ready for combat.
Well, it wasn't as bad as I thought. On the upside, I found his remote to the t.v. (he has been looking for that for a month), his house keys ( I had another set made), his calculator, computer flash drive, wireless remote to the computer and the case for MY cellphone. On the downside, I found 8 plastic water bottles, 3 soda cans, 6 forks, 2 spoons, one green sandwich, 2 letters from his teacher (addressed to me from March that I am not going to follow up on), and three bath towels (well that's a good thing compared to last year when I found a dozen). So I am thinking, NOT BAD!! I also took the time to go through his closet and purged clothes that he could not wear or have not worn. I found at least 4 pair of pants with tags still on them and a few shirts. (Made of list of things to buy for the summer -- Uggggg )
All in all, I was exhausted but it felt good. After I thought about it ... this was a piece of cake compared to last year. When he came home, he just Thanked me for finding all the lost goods and returned to ignoring me. Prayerfully, there will be a day when I won't have to clean his room.
By the way, I did take an extra LONG Bubble Bath. :-)
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Bonding with Man-child
I am always trying to find different ways to bond with my son. We are really oil and vinegar - he likes math,I like like english; he likes anime cartoons, I like the Flintstones; he prefers to play video games, I love to read.
Sunday, I asked him to teach me how to play a video game. Man-child saved his money and purchased that Guitar Hero game (I know I am not saying it right) for his computer. It the same game that the Nintendo WII has but now there is one for the computer. He showed me how to hold the guitar and press all of the colors. It really seemed simple, so I was ready to play a song. Man-child said "Let's start with the Tutorial". "NO.. I wanna play a song". After looking at the selections, I was like "DUH - these are all rock n roll songs. Don't they have any R &B. He reminded me that it was Rock legends. We go through the list again and I recognize a song by the Rollin Stones. Needless to say, I could not play one correct note on the Tutorial. I must have tried it 5 times. We went back over it again -and I was beginning to see his frustration, so I said "you do it and let me watch". The boy is a PRO. He went right to expert level and went through 3 songs. I went back to the Tutorial and this time I got 3 right notes. I was soo happy. He just said "OK, are you done yet?" That was my hint - bonding time is over.
I've been thinking about that day all week and I have to admit it was fun. We spent about an hour and a half together and I still can't play the game. I'll probably wait a while before I ask to play again. Maybe I finish the Tutorial... :-)
Sunday, I asked him to teach me how to play a video game. Man-child saved his money and purchased that Guitar Hero game (I know I am not saying it right) for his computer. It the same game that the Nintendo WII has but now there is one for the computer. He showed me how to hold the guitar and press all of the colors. It really seemed simple, so I was ready to play a song. Man-child said "Let's start with the Tutorial". "NO.. I wanna play a song". After looking at the selections, I was like "DUH - these are all rock n roll songs. Don't they have any R &B. He reminded me that it was Rock legends. We go through the list again and I recognize a song by the Rollin Stones. Needless to say, I could not play one correct note on the Tutorial. I must have tried it 5 times. We went back over it again -and I was beginning to see his frustration, so I said "you do it and let me watch". The boy is a PRO. He went right to expert level and went through 3 songs. I went back to the Tutorial and this time I got 3 right notes. I was soo happy. He just said "OK, are you done yet?" That was my hint - bonding time is over.
I've been thinking about that day all week and I have to admit it was fun. We spent about an hour and a half together and I still can't play the game. I'll probably wait a while before I ask to play again. Maybe I finish the Tutorial... :-)
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Raising Him Alone
On Saturday, April 18, 2009, I attended the 6th Annual Heal A Woman Heal A Nation Conference at Coppin State University. Co-directors Mothyna James-Brightful and Monoka Tyson of Heal A Woman stated that they strive to rejuventate, re-energize and revitalize the life of sisterhood since we are our sister's keeper, her best friend, her confidant, her reflection and her support. The purpose of the conference is to empower woman to encourage the growth of our communities. The workshops, which I found every exciting were entitled, Taking Care of Me First, Rejuvenating The Dream, Balancing Goals And Decisions, and Creating A Balanced Life.
The portion of the conference that I was interested in was entitled Raising Him Alone. Raising Him Alone is a separate organization that supports single mothers. It is a fact that 85% of households in the US are headed by single parents and most of those are single mothers. They also give support to men who are learning to be fathers or are trying to reconnect with their children. Events have been given in Chicago, New York, New Jersey, Philadelphia, and Virginia. The workshops included: Father Factor: Addressing the Pain of Our Sons Experiencing An Absent Father; Coping With The Day to Day Struggles of Being A Single Mother: Making Ends Meet On A Tight Budget and A Mother's Role in Supporting Manhood Development. I attended all of these workshops and I learned soooo much about the decisions I have made and the impact that they have had on me and Man-Child.
The luncheon was the best part of the conference (ok - the food was ok). During the luncheon, there was a panal of Celebrity MOMS. Dr. Malalia A. Hines, Principal of John Hope College Prep High School in Chicago and Mother of Hip Hop Artist and Actor Common; Dr. Brenda Green, Professor of English and Executive Director of the Center for Black Literatur at Medgar Evers College and Mother of Hip Hop Artist Talib Kweli; Sheron Smith, Author and Motivational Speaker and Mother of Hip Hop Artist Mos Def; Meshelle Forman Shields, Actress, Comedienne and Motivational Speaker, Cassandra Mack, Founder and CEO of Strategies for Empowered Living and Dana Bankins, grandmother who raised Five Sons.
Each of these woman were very open and honest as they shared with the audience their personal trials of raising boys. They discussed fathers, abuse, fighting gangs, decision making, dealing with the court system, facing jail time with their sons, over compensating with gifts, faith, importance of prayer, taking care of self, reaching out for help, and knowing when enough is enough. I found Dr. Mahaila Hines to be wonderful. She encouraged All mothers to take a personal look at themselves to find the answers to many of the questions we had on raising our sons.
The day was very refresing, and as they stated at the beginning of the conference, REJUVENATING. I met a lot of mothers with sons in jail, hospitals, dealing with children with ADHD, teen fathers, those trying to accept and understand sexual orientation, and so much more. The one common theme, though every circumstance was different, we were looking for support and encouragement for our sons. I grabbed many handouts, collected several free books, 10 Steps out of Puberty: A Teen's Guide to Successful Living by LaMarr Shields, Raising Hi Alone by David Miller; The Single Mom's Little Book of Wisdom by Cassandra Mack; and an audio book "Raising God's Children Alone". The only disappointing part for me was that many of the programs offered were for boys between the age of 10- 12 or 14-18. I questioned "What happens to 13 yr olds?" However, I did get a couple of leads for mentoring programs and tutoring groups that I plan to look into.
When I chose the name for this blog, I never thought that there was an organization dedicated to helping single mothers. I am glad my Sistah-friends encouraged me to write about some of my experiencing so that I may also be able to help others as others have helped me.
Please checkout their website www.raisinghimalone.com for more information and locations of conference near you.
The portion of the conference that I was interested in was entitled Raising Him Alone. Raising Him Alone is a separate organization that supports single mothers. It is a fact that 85% of households in the US are headed by single parents and most of those are single mothers. They also give support to men who are learning to be fathers or are trying to reconnect with their children. Events have been given in Chicago, New York, New Jersey, Philadelphia, and Virginia. The workshops included: Father Factor: Addressing the Pain of Our Sons Experiencing An Absent Father; Coping With The Day to Day Struggles of Being A Single Mother: Making Ends Meet On A Tight Budget and A Mother's Role in Supporting Manhood Development. I attended all of these workshops and I learned soooo much about the decisions I have made and the impact that they have had on me and Man-Child.
The luncheon was the best part of the conference (ok - the food was ok). During the luncheon, there was a panal of Celebrity MOMS. Dr. Malalia A. Hines, Principal of John Hope College Prep High School in Chicago and Mother of Hip Hop Artist and Actor Common; Dr. Brenda Green, Professor of English and Executive Director of the Center for Black Literatur at Medgar Evers College and Mother of Hip Hop Artist Talib Kweli; Sheron Smith, Author and Motivational Speaker and Mother of Hip Hop Artist Mos Def; Meshelle Forman Shields, Actress, Comedienne and Motivational Speaker, Cassandra Mack, Founder and CEO of Strategies for Empowered Living and Dana Bankins, grandmother who raised Five Sons.
Each of these woman were very open and honest as they shared with the audience their personal trials of raising boys. They discussed fathers, abuse, fighting gangs, decision making, dealing with the court system, facing jail time with their sons, over compensating with gifts, faith, importance of prayer, taking care of self, reaching out for help, and knowing when enough is enough. I found Dr. Mahaila Hines to be wonderful. She encouraged All mothers to take a personal look at themselves to find the answers to many of the questions we had on raising our sons.
The day was very refresing, and as they stated at the beginning of the conference, REJUVENATING. I met a lot of mothers with sons in jail, hospitals, dealing with children with ADHD, teen fathers, those trying to accept and understand sexual orientation, and so much more. The one common theme, though every circumstance was different, we were looking for support and encouragement for our sons. I grabbed many handouts, collected several free books, 10 Steps out of Puberty: A Teen's Guide to Successful Living by LaMarr Shields, Raising Hi Alone by David Miller; The Single Mom's Little Book of Wisdom by Cassandra Mack; and an audio book "Raising God's Children Alone". The only disappointing part for me was that many of the programs offered were for boys between the age of 10- 12 or 14-18. I questioned "What happens to 13 yr olds?" However, I did get a couple of leads for mentoring programs and tutoring groups that I plan to look into.
When I chose the name for this blog, I never thought that there was an organization dedicated to helping single mothers. I am glad my Sistah-friends encouraged me to write about some of my experiencing so that I may also be able to help others as others have helped me.
Please checkout their website www.raisinghimalone.com for more information and locations of conference near you.
Friday, April 3, 2009
The Best of Man-Child
Making the decision to write a blog was not easy for me. I am not a writer. I have always wanted to write but I did not think I had anything interesting to tell or write about.
Raising Man-child has been a 24/7 job; one that I did not think would be this difficult. In fact I prayed for a "Funky, Stinky, Little Boy". Well, I got it and then some. My friends are in tears as I scream about the things this boy does. UNBELIEVEABLE After I have screamed, yelled and watched a new gray hair pop into place, I realize that he is funny. I hope by putting my trials, tribulations, heartaches and successes for everyone to see, I am able to help someone else that is going through the same things. I also Pray for the support, advise and encouragement.
MY TOP THREE MAN CHILD STORIES:
3. Be Specific with instructions - While cleaning his room, while he was away camping, I noticed that Man-Child had 4 sets of sheets on the bed. I asked him why - his response, "You never told me to take the dirty sheets off".
2. Make Him take ownship for his actions - To avoid doing a science project, he told his teacher that I could not afford to buy the supplies he needed due to the recession and his father's decision not to pay child support money. The teacher bought the supplies for him and offered me a part-time job. I made him work at her store to pay for the supplies.
1. A cure for Nakedness - Man-child had a habit of walking around the house Naked. I keep explaining to him that he was not my little boy but this Man -Child with things that I did not need to see. He reason "You are my MOMMY- it doesn't matter". Well one sunday, while gettng ready for church, I decided to change my bra and took it off and walked out of the bathroom - TOPLESS. He yelled "MOMMY, That's NASTY- Cover those things up". I told him, "When you were nursing it was not a problem. He said " But I'm not supposed to see those things" to which I responded "That's exactly the same thing I've been telling you". Well now he wears his robe all the time.
So what is your favorite Man-child story?
Raising Man-child has been a 24/7 job; one that I did not think would be this difficult. In fact I prayed for a "Funky, Stinky, Little Boy". Well, I got it and then some. My friends are in tears as I scream about the things this boy does. UNBELIEVEABLE After I have screamed, yelled and watched a new gray hair pop into place, I realize that he is funny. I hope by putting my trials, tribulations, heartaches and successes for everyone to see, I am able to help someone else that is going through the same things. I also Pray for the support, advise and encouragement.
MY TOP THREE MAN CHILD STORIES:
3. Be Specific with instructions - While cleaning his room, while he was away camping, I noticed that Man-Child had 4 sets of sheets on the bed. I asked him why - his response, "You never told me to take the dirty sheets off".
2. Make Him take ownship for his actions - To avoid doing a science project, he told his teacher that I could not afford to buy the supplies he needed due to the recession and his father's decision not to pay child support money. The teacher bought the supplies for him and offered me a part-time job. I made him work at her store to pay for the supplies.
1. A cure for Nakedness - Man-child had a habit of walking around the house Naked. I keep explaining to him that he was not my little boy but this Man -Child with things that I did not need to see. He reason "You are my MOMMY- it doesn't matter". Well one sunday, while gettng ready for church, I decided to change my bra and took it off and walked out of the bathroom - TOPLESS. He yelled "MOMMY, That's NASTY- Cover those things up". I told him, "When you were nursing it was not a problem. He said " But I'm not supposed to see those things" to which I responded "That's exactly the same thing I've been telling you". Well now he wears his robe all the time.
So what is your favorite Man-child story?
Friday, March 20, 2009
Man-Child And His Sibblings (Cousins)
It's been a month since my brother and his family moved into my home. Let me tell ya, it has been an ADVENTURE. Getting the kids used to a different routines, new eating habits, new rules and so much more has been a challenge. Despite it all, we are managing.
One thing I never considered or thought about was the impact this change would have on Man-child. My brother has three sons, Khalil 12, Demarion 9, and Ja'Varea 5, that are younger than Man-child and they WORSHIP the ground he walks on. The first week, it was fun. Man-child helped with homework, getting them ready for bed, doing housework and getting to know each other. They follow Man-child every where and even began wearing their clothes like Man-child. Well, somewhere between that second and third week, things began to change. I noticed Man-child yelling at the boys all the time.
Finally, Man-child said, "I am sick and tired of them. Get them out of here". What happened?, I asked. "They are everywhere, they won't even let me go to the bathroom; they are in my sutff and they keep taking stuff out of my room"!! he yelled. " I don't want them in my room any more and they can't sleep in my room either, as a matter of fact I don't even want to see them".
Oh Boy... I reminded him that I knew it was difficult but we are all cramped and uncomfortable. I told him that the boys look up to him and he just has to be patient. I told him to stop being selfish and share with his cousins. This is what it's like having brothers and sisters. Awww Man.. it hit me again.... Growing up, I was the oldest and the only girl, I NEVER had to share or compromise anything with anyone. My room and things were OFF LIMITS. When my cousins visited, I always let them know what they could touch or were allowed to play with (basically everything - but I had to tell them first). I never shared a room, my clothes - NOTHING. When my aunt died, a couple of my cousins, male cousins, came to live with us for a while - again, my stuff was off limits.
I had to rethink this again and make new rules. Ok. The boys can come in his room only if Man-child lets them and they have to respect his space. They also have to let Man-child invite them to stay in his room. Have things gotten better? There is less yelling and they boys are not clinging to Man-child every move. But I am still on him about sharing, being considerate and accepting of others. I also reminded him that the world does not revolve around him and one day he could find himself in the same place.
I'll keep you posted of our progress :-)
One thing I never considered or thought about was the impact this change would have on Man-child. My brother has three sons, Khalil 12, Demarion 9, and Ja'Varea 5, that are younger than Man-child and they WORSHIP the ground he walks on. The first week, it was fun. Man-child helped with homework, getting them ready for bed, doing housework and getting to know each other. They follow Man-child every where and even began wearing their clothes like Man-child. Well, somewhere between that second and third week, things began to change. I noticed Man-child yelling at the boys all the time.
Finally, Man-child said, "I am sick and tired of them. Get them out of here". What happened?, I asked. "They are everywhere, they won't even let me go to the bathroom; they are in my sutff and they keep taking stuff out of my room"!! he yelled. " I don't want them in my room any more and they can't sleep in my room either, as a matter of fact I don't even want to see them".
Oh Boy... I reminded him that I knew it was difficult but we are all cramped and uncomfortable. I told him that the boys look up to him and he just has to be patient. I told him to stop being selfish and share with his cousins. This is what it's like having brothers and sisters. Awww Man.. it hit me again.... Growing up, I was the oldest and the only girl, I NEVER had to share or compromise anything with anyone. My room and things were OFF LIMITS. When my cousins visited, I always let them know what they could touch or were allowed to play with (basically everything - but I had to tell them first). I never shared a room, my clothes - NOTHING. When my aunt died, a couple of my cousins, male cousins, came to live with us for a while - again, my stuff was off limits.
I had to rethink this again and make new rules. Ok. The boys can come in his room only if Man-child lets them and they have to respect his space. They also have to let Man-child invite them to stay in his room. Have things gotten better? There is less yelling and they boys are not clinging to Man-child every move. But I am still on him about sharing, being considerate and accepting of others. I also reminded him that the world does not revolve around him and one day he could find himself in the same place.
I'll keep you posted of our progress :-)
Sunday, March 8, 2009
The Knock On The Door
Three weeks ago, my brother, his wife and five kids knocked on my door. Still dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, his plant closing, unemployment, and so much more, he decided to pack up his family and move back home. I can’t imagine how difficult that decision was for him but he had an obligation to provide the best care for his family.
When they arrived, I immediately called family. Instead of support, I heard, “How rude. They should have called first”, “ I hope you are not trying to be a Savior”, “ How the Heck does he expect to get help here”, “ You should have sent them to a shelter”, and a lot more. I got the same response from friends that I’ve considered family also. Hmmmm…. I thought, is this what institution of the family has become? I got angry and I thought would these same people do the same to me if I need help.
Let me say this… I am not a Martyr. I do what I do because I want to. I recognize that in order to survive you must have the support of your family. Throughout history, particularly for African Americans, families have always taken care of each other. So, why should I change? I recognize that I am a caregiver and a nurturer. Even with all of the negative comments, I am still the one everyone calls. I am the one that remembers every birthday, anniversary, death, birth, graduation, special achievement, wedding, or thinking of you. Then it hit me…. “Trust in the LORD with ALL your HEART and Lean not on your own understanding”. Proverbs 3:5 I do what’s in my heart and I never question my actions or the actions of those that are in need.
My brother’s obligation is to provide the best care for his family. His decision brought him back to Baltimore where he thought he could get support. Am I obligated to help? No. Yet, I know that with my trust in the CREATOR, All is Well. If my obligation makes me seem gullible, naive or taken advantage of, I would say, “that’s okay”. I have to do what is in my heart and spirit. So knock on my door. Anytime.
When they arrived, I immediately called family. Instead of support, I heard, “How rude. They should have called first”, “ I hope you are not trying to be a Savior”, “ How the Heck does he expect to get help here”, “ You should have sent them to a shelter”, and a lot more. I got the same response from friends that I’ve considered family also. Hmmmm…. I thought, is this what institution of the family has become? I got angry and I thought would these same people do the same to me if I need help.
Let me say this… I am not a Martyr. I do what I do because I want to. I recognize that in order to survive you must have the support of your family. Throughout history, particularly for African Americans, families have always taken care of each other. So, why should I change? I recognize that I am a caregiver and a nurturer. Even with all of the negative comments, I am still the one everyone calls. I am the one that remembers every birthday, anniversary, death, birth, graduation, special achievement, wedding, or thinking of you. Then it hit me…. “Trust in the LORD with ALL your HEART and Lean not on your own understanding”. Proverbs 3:5 I do what’s in my heart and I never question my actions or the actions of those that are in need.
My brother’s obligation is to provide the best care for his family. His decision brought him back to Baltimore where he thought he could get support. Am I obligated to help? No. Yet, I know that with my trust in the CREATOR, All is Well. If my obligation makes me seem gullible, naive or taken advantage of, I would say, “that’s okay”. I have to do what is in my heart and spirit. So knock on my door. Anytime.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Fig-uring Man-Child
Since the death of our friend Mike, Man-child has become this whole other person. He challenges me with EVERYTHING. He argues, he yells, he rolls his eyes, and a whole lot of other stuff that I have been trying to figure out. Every one said "he is just smelling himself", " he'll grow out of it", "boys are like that", and a lot other cliches that I hate. Yet, despite it all, I knew something was not the same with my son and I DO NOT LIKE IT. We tried the counseling thing with no success, and a couple of Elders from church even noticed that he was different and tried to talk to him. Man-child said "I am sick and tired of everyone talking to me. I just want to be left alone". With that I noticed that he wasn't going outside and spending time with his friends, he was becoming more secretive and spending more time on the computer. Of course I checked and double checked everything that he was doing. I DON'T LIKE IT.
Today, in church, our first lady, Min. Anita Phillips, who tends to set the church on fire, delivered a message that has been with me all day - well at least a part of it. She took us to Genesis 3:6 when Adam and Eve bit from the apple from the Tree of Knowledge and they realized that they were naked. They sewed together fig leaves to cover their nakedness. She went on to discuss the fig tree, a small fruit with huge leaves used to cover or hide truth or things that we do not want to see or deal with. Min. Anita talked about being fruitful and accepting change. She also reminded us that in order to move forward we have to see the vision, see what is ahead and to stop looking over our shoulders because we tend to lose focus and as a result we lose the blessing. She gave many references of the role of the fig tree and the leaves that tend to used to cover things.
So you ask, what did I get out of that lesson (which I am sure I paraphrased badly) and what is my point. Why am I trying to fig-ure out what is wrong with Man-child? Am I looking for a problem or am I trying to hide from the fact that my son is growing up. Am I covering up something that really isn't a problem at all? I fig-ured out what my problem was with Man-child. I lost FAITH. I saw something in my son and I became scared. Like Adam and Eve, I covered or masked my fear and flipped it all on Man-child. I wanted to Find a problem so that I coudl fix it - fix him. But he said it best " Nothing is wrong - I just want to be left alone". I went back and read all of the references First Lady gave regarding the Fig tree and how it has been used to cover and mask things. Yes, Man-child is argumentive and he challenges me but my son is growing and I think that this is his way of doing it since he does not have that male role model that he once had. I am so caught up in the who is was and not who is becoming - A Young Man. Yeah, it still scares me but I have to restore my FAITH in my son. I also have to keep a clear vision on what is ahead because I know that it will be AWESOME. I can not look back at who he was because he is no longer my little boy.
Today, in church, our first lady, Min. Anita Phillips, who tends to set the church on fire, delivered a message that has been with me all day - well at least a part of it. She took us to Genesis 3:6 when Adam and Eve bit from the apple from the Tree of Knowledge and they realized that they were naked. They sewed together fig leaves to cover their nakedness. She went on to discuss the fig tree, a small fruit with huge leaves used to cover or hide truth or things that we do not want to see or deal with. Min. Anita talked about being fruitful and accepting change. She also reminded us that in order to move forward we have to see the vision, see what is ahead and to stop looking over our shoulders because we tend to lose focus and as a result we lose the blessing. She gave many references of the role of the fig tree and the leaves that tend to used to cover things.
So you ask, what did I get out of that lesson (which I am sure I paraphrased badly) and what is my point. Why am I trying to fig-ure out what is wrong with Man-child? Am I looking for a problem or am I trying to hide from the fact that my son is growing up. Am I covering up something that really isn't a problem at all? I fig-ured out what my problem was with Man-child. I lost FAITH. I saw something in my son and I became scared. Like Adam and Eve, I covered or masked my fear and flipped it all on Man-child. I wanted to Find a problem so that I coudl fix it - fix him. But he said it best " Nothing is wrong - I just want to be left alone". I went back and read all of the references First Lady gave regarding the Fig tree and how it has been used to cover and mask things. Yes, Man-child is argumentive and he challenges me but my son is growing and I think that this is his way of doing it since he does not have that male role model that he once had. I am so caught up in the who is was and not who is becoming - A Young Man. Yeah, it still scares me but I have to restore my FAITH in my son. I also have to keep a clear vision on what is ahead because I know that it will be AWESOME. I can not look back at who he was because he is no longer my little boy.
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