Lesson #2 - "What Had Happened Was..." Or Taking Ownership For Your Actions

Yesterday was report card night at Man-child's school. I was soo not looking forward to this. I know he is a good student but there is something about getting that report card that makes my stomach turn. As we drove in the car, Man-child started "Mommy, before you get upset, let me tell what had happened was.... ". From that point on, I shut him out cause I knew I did not want to hear excuses. Then I turned him back on so that I would not be too shocked.

I was surprise to see the large turn out of parents. Man-child attends a Charter school that focuses on SAT and College Preparatory courses. After the introduction by the principal and a few reminders about the Flu vaccines, everyone began their search for teachers. Most of the teachers looked like they just came from Iraq - there were very few smiles, a lot of crossed arms, and tight lips. The slow throb in my head had begun.

Man-child directed me to his Technology teacher. The first thing the teacher said was "I am really the librarian teaching this course". OK..... He proceeded to tell me that Man-child was one of his better student but "what had happened was... ". HUH... He explained his grading system and what Man-child needed to do the bring his grade up. I thanked him and we moved on. Next, I spoke with the science teacher, sports director, and health teacher. Things were not going to bad.

Yet, I noticed that as we waited to speak with each teacher, every child, as they tried to explain their grades, began his/her explanation with "what had happened was...". As the parents listened, I notice that the majority believed the child's explanation. Hmmmm .... I thought about this for a minute. A few of the explanations I thought were bold faced lies but it was not my child. I also listened to a few parents say the same thing as they attempted to explain why their child had missed an assignment or two. Since I regularly visit Man-child's school, (yes, I am that parent that sits in the back of the classroom at least once a month), I knew what to expect from him and his teachers.

What bothered me the most was the manner in which everyone made it easy to accept the excuse that followed the statement. No one questioned it or was willing to take ownership for his/her mistake. It started with the student, the parent and a few of the teachers. I began to wonder whether passing the blame has become that much of the norm for today's youth. My head began to ache a little bit more as we waited and I listened to all of the conversations.

I was not pleased with Man-child's grades and he knew I would not be. However, I was proud of him because he took ownership for his grades. He said " Mommy I just did not do the work because I didn't". I was angry but I did not get an excuse. Of course, we were the last to leave and I scheduled appointments to meet with two teachers and the principal later. As soon as we got home, Man-child put his laptop on my bed. (He knew what was coming) At that point I realized that I was doing something right. Lesson learned... "Take ownership for your actions and stand by you decision - good or bad". And Man-child had definately done that.

I Remember.....

Today is Man-child's Fourteenth Birthday. WOW!!! Hallelujah!!!

I Remember.... going to the Inner Harbor everyday for lunch and having 1/2 lbs of steamed Shrimp with cole slaw and prune juice (Never had morning sickness) with his godmom, Paulette, who gained 20 lbs. (BTW, I gained 75 lbs and never regretted it)

I Remember...My MOM spoiling me with Steak every evening for dinner

I Remember... when my water broke - I had to have a tuna sandwich.

I Remember...breaking the rail on the hospital bed, because I was determined not to scream and yell so I just beat the crap out of the bed.

I Remember... my Aunt, Annette, arriving and playing the ocean water tape to relax me but it actually drove me crazy

I Remember ... after 22 hrs, begging for the epidural - and being scared

I Remember...having the c-section performed- and being scared

I Remember....when the Doctor placed him on my chest and he immediately began to nurse

I Remember... in the recovery room, Barry White's song "My First, My Last, My Everything" was playing on the radio and thinking "He is Soooo Right"

I Remember... crying - from being so overwhelmed with joy and Love - that I could not stop

I Remember... promising to raise him to be a God Fearing, Honest, Responsible, and Loving Man.

Happy Birthday to Brandon Geoffrey Bronson!!! Love ya more than words can express :-)

Man-child's Hair

I have discussed this many times in the last few weeks and I finally decided to put it to paper, sort to speak. Sometime back in early September, Man-child asked if he could get a Jheri Curl put into his hair. I ignored him. A few days later, he asked for a Mulette (ya know, that hair style Billy Ray Cyrus wore when he sang Achy Breaky Heart) - I ignored him again. Then, he asked for a perm.... OK.. What the Heck is going on!!!

I asked him "what in the Hayle is wrong with you"? Mind you, his hair is short, thick and mattered to his head. (think Sheep's Behind thick) Then I thought, "OK, he has been playing that Rock legend/Rock Band thingy and he wants to look like a Rock Star. He said "no, I just want my hair to be long". I ask, "Well, is it a girl that you are trying to impress". Again, he said "NO". Hmmmm.... I can clearly see that he is not happy.

I posted on line for advice from my Sistah friends. Of course, everyone laughed and said it's just a phase. I think the best recommendation was to let him get a perm and turn the water off so he could not rinse it out. (Honestly, it sounded good but I could not let him suffer like that -LOL) I also got the standard "Been there, done that" comment. Hmmmm .. .. do I continue to ignore him or go ahead and let him get a perm. So, I asked him again and he said "Mommy I think my hair line is receeding". I went through the "Not at 13 yrs old. speech and if it is receeding -THANKS TO MICHAEL JORDAN, Bald is sexy. I pointed out the rappers Common, LL Cool J, and a load of other Bald Sexy Men. He looked at me and said "But Mommy Little John and those other rappers got good hair - -- STOP... Put on the breaks _ Little John is from another planet - let's not got there. I even looked at a couple of those hair growth products- NOT. They start at $40 and go up. Shampoo that promotes hair growth cost $29.95. Uggggg - I am frustrated and speechless.

So, I continued to look at this boy with this long, woolly hair. Saturday, he was trying to comb it and the teeth broke. I said nothing. He went to the store and bought two new combs and this purple colored hair grease. I said nothing. For the last two days mornings, I have watched him attempt to comb his hair and said nothing. When he came home from school today, MAN-CHILD had gotten his hair cut - it's cut close but not bald. I asked him "What happened?" he said I stopped on my way home and got it cut. I asked " Where did you get the money?" He said "I saved some of my lunch money". All I could do was KISS him on the top of his head.

Lesson 1 - Learning The Hard Way

Last Friday, Sept. 4Th, I was on my way to have lunch with my friend, Stephanie. It was a wonderful day and I was I was enjoying one of many furlough days from work. As Stephanie and I prepared to leave, I got a call from my mom - Man-child went to my job. She said she asked him whether he had enough money to get home and he said "I'm alright". Hmmmmm something was up and I just had that feeling that something was not right. I called him on his cell phone and I got no answer. I left with Stephanie to take care of a few errands.

I was trying to enjoy my time with my friend but I could not let go of that nagging feeling that something was not right. I called Man-child's phone several times and I still got no answer. As the afternoon progressed, I got quiet. Where in the Heck could he be? One hour later, no Man-child and he still was not answering his phone. Two hours later - no Man-child. I am thinking - do I go look for him but where? Is he out with new friends? Did he spend his money? Too many questions and not a clue of where this child could be. My mom was calling me every 30 minutes with reports of "He ain't home yet!!" DUH - I know but what do you want me to do!! Stephanie, in her very quiet voice said, "Sis, I'll drive and we can go look for him if you want". I said "I know but where would we look? If he is walking, there are a million routes he could have taken". We sat and Stephanie keep me busy.

Almost three hours later, my Mom called and said he was home. After taking a breath and saying a quiet Hallelujah, I was better. When I walked in the house, he was sitting at the table - eating. I said nothing. I listened to him tell my mom that he forgot I was home. He used his bus card to get to my job, spent his money on food and forgot to charge is cell phone so he could not call. Finally I said "why didn't you call collect from a pay phone?". His response "I saw a homeless person standing next to one so I kept walking". "Well, what happened to the money I gave you for an emergency"? He said "Oh, I was thirsty, so I spent it". To give you an idea of how far he walked - it is a total of 6 1/2 miles from downtown Baltimore. After he ate, I watched him soak his feet, (he had on dress shoes not sneakers) and then he went to sleep.

One week later - today, it is raining buckets outside. Man-child left out of the house with no jacket, hat or umbrella. I just looked at him. Should I be worried? Not today. As the elders have said for generations " A Hard Head Makes For a Soft Behind" - Praying as he learns these lessons the Hard Way!! I just pray I survive.

Reflection

I have been thinking all day about the upcoming school year. Man-child will be in HIGH SCHOOL. What an accomplishment - homework, arguments with teacher, christian school, projects - and that was just elementary school. Middle school was horrible - hormones, dealing with death, students being killed, gangs, bad grades, computer games and so much more. I wonder - AM I READY. REALLY READY!!

Most of last week, I spent doing what I've done at the beginning of every school year - search for a mentor, big brother or program suitable for Man-child. Raising him has been my greatest joy despite all of the headaches. Raising him without male guidance has been an even bigger challenge. I can not tell you how much I miss our friend Mike because he was always there when I never really realized that I needed him. Man-child took forever to get over his sudden death. I think back to the Million Man March and how thousands of men pledged to "be there" for their younger brothers. Well, let me tell you, it still ain't happening.

I have been to plenty of workshops for single moms. Everyone says "look at family members as role members". I have two cousins that Man-child adores but they are often too busy with their lives to spend that quality male time with him. Males in church have volunteered but that fell before it was even picked up. I have signed up for every program you can imagine. One big brother showed up once and then changed his number. I have had my sistah-friends from all across the country searching for programs and every program has failed. SIGH

I try to do my best but it's hard because after all, I am a MOM. I can't tell him men stuff though I try to go my best. As we went shopping, he was looking at Cologne and I asked him to pick out what he wanted. He backed away and said that's OK. When I picked out what I liked, said it smelled like flowers. I buy pants that fit with very little room but most teens wear them too baggy. How do we compromise? I don't like the constant arguments with Man-child. I know some of it is teen-age hormone and the rest is lack of male companionship. I look at my brothers and see how they could have been better men if they had the proper male guidance. There are plenty of single moms that have raised sons. I can imagine the tears they have shed to get them to where they are.

As I get ready for this new milestone in our lives, I will continue to PRAY for strength, guidance and patience. I LOVE HIM with all my HEART. I just hope that it is enough to Raise my Man-child.

Practicing What You Preach

Everyone knows about my battle with Man-child and his bedroom. The rule of the house is "Your room is Your Space to do what ever you want; however, it can not resemble or smell like a pig's pen". I can not tell you the battles we have had and the trash I have carted out of his room in the last year.

Two days ago, I went to his room to ask him a question and I stopped in my tracks. There were clothes everywhere, water bottles, paper and stuff. UGGGG ... I could not go past the door. I simply turned and left. He came running ... "Mommy, I know what you are going to say and Imma' clean my room later today. I promise". I said nothing. After all, what else could I say that has not been said before. So, I went to my bedroom and then I had to stop again in my tracks. OMG!!! My room was a mess.

Since I have been working extra hours at the bookstore, I have been too tired to clean and things have just settled where ever I've dropped them. I had about six pairs of sandals and two pairs of sneakers in the middle of the floor; at least three weeks of mail on the dresser that I needed to sort; a pile of blouses that needed to go to the dry cleaners; I'd purchased some new bed pillows,towels and wash cloths and they were still in the bags in the corner;a laundry basket that needed to be folded; my niece's toys (from the weekend I babysat); and a stack of books that I'd read and did not place on the shelves; and five empty water bottles. I was GUILTY of being a slob.

So, I cleaned my room. It took me two hours and it looks sooo much better. Man-child came in my room and said "Dang, What happened in here"? I said "What are you talking about"? We just looked at each other real goofy like for a minute and he walked away. When I came home from work the next day, half of his room was cleaned.

Can you see me SMILE!!

Man-Child's Summer

Needless to say, it has been a long summer. Since Man-child had to complete work he failed to do during the school year, I cancelled all activity for the summer. Even though it has not been very humid, it has been hot in this house. As a matter of fact, for the first two weeks, he would not speak to me.

When the summer enrichment program began, he hit the ceiling. Then all H*ll broke when he found out he had to read "The Secret Life of Bees". WT* Man-child was near tears. "Why I gotta read this girl book", he yelled. I told him " suck it up and read. And there is no such thing as a girl book". The temperature got even HOTTER.

I watched him read. He threw the book. He tried to hide it but I bought two extra copies. He even tore a few pages out of one book. After three weeks, he finished it and then he had to write a character analysis. I thought "OMG, this is going to be a disaster". Once again, he surprised me. Man-child's paper talked about how he could relate to Rosaleen, the character played by Jennifer Hudson. He stated that she was very smart and knowledgeable. Everyone thought she was slow and not aware of what was going on. He said that she was very smart. She just had a different way of doing things. Man-child said that he felt like her because everyone assumes that he is smart and on target when he is simply trying to figure things out the way that he wants to do it. He talked about how people always look at people and think they know all about you instead of getting to know you and letting you figure things out on your own. I WAS SPEECHLESS. He teacher was very impressed.

I returned his laptop and video games until the High School Summer Program starts on August 3. He kissed me and yelled as if it were Christmas. Then he did something that really shocked me. He said "Mommy, where are all those Harry Potter books?" I pulled the books from the shelf and gave them to him. Tonight, when I thought he was lost in Runescape on the computer or somewhere trying his hand at anime art, he was reading the first Harry Potter book.

Boy... I still have a lot to learn.